"At first? Very much what happened to you. Cazador encountered Arthur, interrogated him, then turned him when his answers were unsatisfactory. The difference is that Arthur was able to summon his other half and have him show up in grand dramatic fashion, taking on the face of Cazador's sire and doing everything short of killing him."
"I'm not even convinced he was here, in any...real sense," Astarion says. "But no. Anything that doesn't kill a vampire will heal without trace, in time. And killing him was the least that idiot could have done."
"So none of it would have meant anything to Cazador - only to you."
She wasn't there. She's not inclined to give Arthur the benefit of any doubt, except that she doesn't like to make assumptions overall. Maybe it's possible and maybe it's not.
"No. It doesn't. And because Arthur is incapable of hearing criticism of his beloved monster, he claims John held off out of 'respect' for me," Astarion says briskly. Yes, he is approaching full-on bitch venting mode. "Clearly that 'respect' was more important than everyone else Cazador hurt or killed. Really, even if I thought just a little more poorly of him, I'd suggest his nigh-total inaction was his cowardly aversion to the slightest risk of being demoted for killing something even resembling an inmate."
She shakes her head. There's a part of her that's angry, of course. But more of her -
Well, more of her knows there was no one to show up, dramatic and monstrous, on her behalf. And there was no one she would have wanted to try because sometimes it's better to just die than to drag everyone who cares about you down into the herd with you.
"You know - I don't care that it hurt." She looks down again, at where she's folding and unfolding the edge of the page under her fingertips. "I'll get over that it happened. I always do. But the bitch of it -" She shakes her head.
"The bitch of it is... something I'm just a little too proud to want people to know about me."
"...I remember seeing what he saw, hearing what he heard. But what he thought, or felt, that's all rather...abstract."
But he remembers her unwillingness to be dismissed, and in retrospect he finds it odd; as a newborn spawn, he'd been - to say the least - reluctant to spend time with his new master. If she finds it less 'odd' and more 'humiliatingly revealing' then, well. It's nobody else's fucking business, is it?
"...Regardless. What happened between the two of you isn't for me to discuss."
It's complicated, is the thing. And she doesn't know for sure if it's some side effect of being undead or just that she's reached her trauma threshold that she's so easily able to hold it at arm's length, but she can set it aside as long as no one else knows. No one else sees, or tries to talk to her about it.
"...I don't know. It was just frustrating when he made this song and dance of 'I don't need to read your file, I'd rather hear it from you'," he is absolutely doing an unflattering impression of John, "then ultimately seemed content to just read the damned thing and then never mention it again."
"Godric did the same thing. Said he wouldn't read it without me, and locked it in a chest in a room I can't go in, and gave me a key."
No unflattering impressions here to make him smile the way she had, but she's clearly too paranoid to fully believe she has the only key or that he even locked it.
"Then I got pissed at him and we haven't talked about it since."
"Allegedly -" God she still hates this entire system, this entire ship.
"- the files can give clues about whatever got the Admiral's panties in a bunch about us in the first place. I need to read it, before I lose my mind over it again."
"I all but insisted on John reading mine because I couldn't be bothered spending the rest however-long-it'll-be second-guessing whether he did it or not regardless," Astarion says. "Is it important to you that he not read it?"
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"At first? Very much what happened to you. Cazador encountered Arthur, interrogated him, then turned him when his answers were unsatisfactory. The difference is that Arthur was able to summon his other half and have him show up in grand dramatic fashion, taking on the face of Cazador's sire and doing everything short of killing him."
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"Would it have stuck?" she wonders.
"For Cazador back home, and on you when you swapped back?"
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"I'm not even convinced he was here, in any...real sense," Astarion says. "But no. Anything that doesn't kill a vampire will heal without trace, in time. And killing him was the least that idiot could have done."
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She wasn't there. She's not inclined to give Arthur the benefit of any doubt, except that she doesn't like to make assumptions overall. Maybe it's possible and maybe it's not.
"Doesn't seem... fair."
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"No. It doesn't. And because Arthur is incapable of hearing criticism of his beloved monster, he claims John held off out of 'respect' for me," Astarion says briskly. Yes, he is approaching full-on bitch venting mode. "Clearly that 'respect' was more important than everyone else Cazador hurt or killed. Really, even if I thought just a little more poorly of him, I'd suggest his nigh-total inaction was his cowardly aversion to the slightest risk of being demoted for killing something even resembling an inmate."
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Her voice is small, for just a moment. She wants to ask if that was before he attacked her, then, but - she can't ask that, can she?
"How many people...?"
answer sliiightly vague due to ongoing threads
"At least one besides you and Arthur - killed, not turned. He...didn't always stay to watch the final moments."
roger
Well, more of her knows there was no one to show up, dramatic and monstrous, on her behalf. And there was no one she would have wanted to try because sometimes it's better to just die than to drag everyone who cares about you down into the herd with you.
"You know - I don't care that it hurt." She looks down again, at where she's folding and unfolding the edge of the page under her fingertips. "I'll get over that it happened. I always do. But the bitch of it -" She shakes her head.
"The bitch of it is... something I'm just a little too proud to want people to know about me."
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"...Well. Now this is awkward," he says lightly. "Because you've piqued my curiosity, but I am aware that I am, by some estimations, a person."
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She shrugs, smiles a little at nothing, and looks up.
"Is all that true? Or just bits and pieces?"
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"...I remember seeing what he saw, hearing what he heard. But what he thought, or felt, that's all rather...abstract."
But he remembers her unwillingness to be dismissed, and in retrospect he finds it odd; as a newborn spawn, he'd been - to say the least - reluctant to spend time with his new master. If she finds it less 'odd' and more 'humiliatingly revealing' then, well. It's nobody else's fucking business, is it?
"...Regardless. What happened between the two of you isn't for me to discuss."
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It's complicated, is the thing. And she doesn't know for sure if it's some side effect of being undead or just that she's reached her trauma threshold that she's so easily able to hold it at arm's length, but she can set it aside as long as no one else knows. No one else sees, or tries to talk to her about it.
"Do the. Do the files update? Do you know?"
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Astarion blinks.
"...I have no idea. I could ask to see mine and check, I suppose?"
Clearly she doesn't want to have the relevant conversation with Godric.
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After all, "I haven't even looked at mine yet."
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"Ah. Nor have I - I was there for my life story, I don't really feel the need to see it on paper, you know?"
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She was there, yes, but what counts? When does it start?
"Has John read yours?"
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"Yes, for what little it's been worth. We haven't really talked about anything he might have encountered in there."
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"With him. Or anyone."
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"...I don't know. It was just frustrating when he made this song and dance of 'I don't need to read your file, I'd rather hear it from you'," he is absolutely doing an unflattering impression of John, "then ultimately seemed content to just read the damned thing and then never mention it again."
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No unflattering impressions here to make him smile the way she had, but she's clearly too paranoid to fully believe she has the only key or that he even locked it.
"Then I got pissed at him and we haven't talked about it since."
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"Well, that's - aggravating. And you can only take on trust that he hasn't read it, of course."
He makes a low, disgusted noise.
"What are you going to do?"
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"- the files can give clues about whatever got the Admiral's panties in a bunch about us in the first place. I need to read it, before I lose my mind over it again."
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Astarion hums.
"Do you have the option to read it without him?"
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She frowns.
"But he can just ask for another copy and I'd never know. I can't trust that."
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"I all but insisted on John reading mine because I couldn't be bothered spending the rest however-long-it'll-be second-guessing whether he did it or not regardless," Astarion says. "Is it important to you that he not read it?"
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