"...I remember seeing what he saw, hearing what he heard. But what he thought, or felt, that's all rather...abstract."
But he remembers her unwillingness to be dismissed, and in retrospect he finds it odd; as a newborn spawn, he'd been - to say the least - reluctant to spend time with his new master. If she finds it less 'odd' and more 'humiliatingly revealing' then, well. It's nobody else's fucking business, is it?
"...Regardless. What happened between the two of you isn't for me to discuss."
It's complicated, is the thing. And she doesn't know for sure if it's some side effect of being undead or just that she's reached her trauma threshold that she's so easily able to hold it at arm's length, but she can set it aside as long as no one else knows. No one else sees, or tries to talk to her about it.
"...I don't know. It was just frustrating when he made this song and dance of 'I don't need to read your file, I'd rather hear it from you'," he is absolutely doing an unflattering impression of John, "then ultimately seemed content to just read the damned thing and then never mention it again."
"Godric did the same thing. Said he wouldn't read it without me, and locked it in a chest in a room I can't go in, and gave me a key."
No unflattering impressions here to make him smile the way she had, but she's clearly too paranoid to fully believe she has the only key or that he even locked it.
"Then I got pissed at him and we haven't talked about it since."
"Allegedly -" God she still hates this entire system, this entire ship.
"- the files can give clues about whatever got the Admiral's panties in a bunch about us in the first place. I need to read it, before I lose my mind over it again."
"I all but insisted on John reading mine because I couldn't be bothered spending the rest however-long-it'll-be second-guessing whether he did it or not regardless," Astarion says. "Is it important to you that he not read it?"
"I'd rather not. Besides it being my life, not some fucking... entertainment column. I still don't accept that there are any grounds to hold me here on. But that's not how anywhere works."
"The last thing I needed was my best friend's boyfriend invested in whether I graduate or not. Well. Maybe not the last thing, but definitely top three."
"That Godric is in a relationship with your best friend," he says lightly. "I was irritated when I found out John is fucking a previously useful source of stress relief, but your situation is...well. I can see how it's in the top three last things you'd need."
"We have a deal, me and Jesus. I try if he tries. This is royally fucking up my plan of waiting him out until he goes home so I can go back to being miserable. "
She presses her lips together, feeling how it pushes strangely against teeth sharper than she's used to.
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"...I remember seeing what he saw, hearing what he heard. But what he thought, or felt, that's all rather...abstract."
But he remembers her unwillingness to be dismissed, and in retrospect he finds it odd; as a newborn spawn, he'd been - to say the least - reluctant to spend time with his new master. If she finds it less 'odd' and more 'humiliatingly revealing' then, well. It's nobody else's fucking business, is it?
"...Regardless. What happened between the two of you isn't for me to discuss."
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It's complicated, is the thing. And she doesn't know for sure if it's some side effect of being undead or just that she's reached her trauma threshold that she's so easily able to hold it at arm's length, but she can set it aside as long as no one else knows. No one else sees, or tries to talk to her about it.
"Do the. Do the files update? Do you know?"
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Astarion blinks.
"...I have no idea. I could ask to see mine and check, I suppose?"
Clearly she doesn't want to have the relevant conversation with Godric.
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After all, "I haven't even looked at mine yet."
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"Ah. Nor have I - I was there for my life story, I don't really feel the need to see it on paper, you know?"
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She was there, yes, but what counts? When does it start?
"Has John read yours?"
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"Yes, for what little it's been worth. We haven't really talked about anything he might have encountered in there."
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"With him. Or anyone."
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"...I don't know. It was just frustrating when he made this song and dance of 'I don't need to read your file, I'd rather hear it from you'," he is absolutely doing an unflattering impression of John, "then ultimately seemed content to just read the damned thing and then never mention it again."
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No unflattering impressions here to make him smile the way she had, but she's clearly too paranoid to fully believe she has the only key or that he even locked it.
"Then I got pissed at him and we haven't talked about it since."
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"Well, that's - aggravating. And you can only take on trust that he hasn't read it, of course."
He makes a low, disgusted noise.
"What are you going to do?"
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"- the files can give clues about whatever got the Admiral's panties in a bunch about us in the first place. I need to read it, before I lose my mind over it again."
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Astarion hums.
"Do you have the option to read it without him?"
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She frowns.
"But he can just ask for another copy and I'd never know. I can't trust that."
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"I all but insisted on John reading mine because I couldn't be bothered spending the rest however-long-it'll-be second-guessing whether he did it or not regardless," Astarion says. "Is it important to you that he not read it?"
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She just got angry with him first.
"I'd rather not. Besides it being my life, not some fucking... entertainment column. I still don't accept that there are any grounds to hold me here on. But that's not how anywhere works."
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"Sadly not. If everyone got what they deserved, well..."
He tilts his head back, gazing at the ceiling.
"I can't even imagine what that world would look like."
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She still does, it's just harder now. For a lot of reasons.
"I wish he hadn't gotten caught up in this bullshit."
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"What bullshit do you mean exactly? We've had...quite a lot of it to work through."
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She waves around them vaguely.
"The last thing I needed was my best friend's boyfriend invested in whether I graduate or not. Well. Maybe not the last thing, but definitely top three."
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Astarion inclines his head.
"I...wasn't aware that complication was in play," he says mildly.
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She'd been getting close to full on bitching herself, but she's looking at him now.
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"That Godric is in a relationship with your best friend," he says lightly. "I was irritated when I found out John is fucking a previously useful source of stress relief, but your situation is...well. I can see how it's in the top three last things you'd need."
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She presses her lips together, feeling how it pushes strangely against teeth sharper than she's used to.
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Astarion chuckles.
"Why? Did you make that deal assuming that he wouldn't make an effort?"
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