I died. I felt bullets hit my body, I felt the blood and the strength leaves me, I heard my friend yelling my name and the fight going on around me as the rest of our people fought an outnumbered and outgunned battle for their lives.
I woke up here, with no warning, no offer, no information, surrounded by strangers, in a building with no windows. The last time that happened to me, I was starved and isolated for a week, by people who were absolutely, quite literally going to eat me, and that was just the first time it happened.
When you talked to me, I had about a day under my belt. Do you think a day away from all that shit is enough to be in a good frame of mind for that bullshit?
No. …That’s why I apologized. Jesus told me a bit about your world. Everyone there carries a lot of trauma from what he said. I’m not familiar with undead armies, but I am familiar with trauma, if you ever want to talk about it.
Pretty sure a place like this has a lot of people with a lot of trauma. With only two therapists around, maybe if you don't know someone, trying to get them in on your personal problem with someone else isn't the way to start off.
Yeah. Probably. I wasn’t offering therapy. Just a friendly conversation. The more worlds I meet people from, the more I marvel at how many of them are filled with people who’ve never lost their temper. Anyway, sorry again. I really do regret meeting that way. But it does seem like you already have a good support system and that helps a lot. Good luck.
I didn't. But you don't want it. And I can at least leave you alone. People don't like it if they dismiss your attempts at offering a hand and you pester them, I've been told.
So you just want to say the words at me, and don't want to hear what my actual problem was with it, or let me have a problem past the ten seconds it takes to say them?
I was trying to respect your boundaries. We can go somewhere else if you want. The deck is nice. The greenhouse smells good. The library is a nice quiet place to chat.
She turns up shortly, wearing baggy pants and an oversized blue long-sleeved shirt with dark stains at the back and breast, her hands hidden. She's wary, and watching around her with blatant suspicion, and looks him over with more of the same when she sees him.
She doesn't smile. There are no marks on her face that indicate this is anything unusual for her, but she nods anyway.
"If you're actually trying, can't fault that," she says instead.
“I always try,” Malcolm tells her, then tilts his head slightly. “Don’t always succeed,” he admits. “Have you been in here yet?” he asks, opening the door.
“One whole time. That is… sure a conclusion you’re drawing, but okay,” he remarks, letting them in and holding the door for her to go first. “I suppose you can only assume, with the evidence you have, that your experience is everyone’s experience. I did assume that your ‘go away’ cues were like everyone’s ‘go away’ cues.”
He gestures to one side. “Ornamental gardens are that way and food production is that way. Which would you like to see first?”
"You've hung up on me twice in two conversations," she points out to him. With a 100% track record, she's not really sure what else she's supposed to think.
"And no, I'm not that stupid. I'm sure there are people you get along just fine with that you keep talking with, and can even disagree with without bailing. But that's not really trying." She glances at him, then around the area as she steps through.
He looks over at her. “I was hanging up on Jesus the first time, strictly speaking.. Intentionally. Disconnecting with you was sort of collateral damage,” he explains. “That’s why I contacted you to apologize. When you didn’t accept the apology, it seemed like you didn’t want that. But when you texted back, it seemed like… you just wanted more trying, so here I am.” He glances over. “I will admit that trying with you has been thornier than with most people. But I came here,” he points out. “A lot of people would just avoid someone whose responses to their overtures had only been aggressive, regardless of whether they were responsible for the initial misstep. But.” He shrugs. “I try.”
She raises an eyebrow at him, and while she won't deny that indeed, she's thornier than a lot of people - she always has been - she does stop for a moment.
"Alright, let me be clear on this," she says, turning to face him, meeting his eyes head on.
"An apology - a real one, meant to acknowledge a mistake and repair damage - is on the terms of the person being apologized to. Right? Otherwise it's just smoothing over your own feelings, whatever they are." It seems to her to be a fairly universal truth so she doesn't actually wait for agreement or not before continuing.
"You said you were sorry and said it was partially miscommunication. Then I tried to tell you why I was upset in the first place, to fix the miscommunication, and you hung up on me. We hadn't even gotten to accepting or rejecting. Now, I'm still deciding if you're actually trying and just not sure what to do with me in general, or if you were just smoothing over your own feelings, so here we are."
She folds her arms, drums her fingers once on her own biceps, and says, "Is that clear enough?"
"That's very clear, thank you," he tells her sincerely. "I find that I tend to miss boundary setting in that context sometimes - what some people might refer to as 'trying too hard', so I've been trying to be particularly mindful of going away when it seems like that's what the other person wants. So. Sorry about misreading that. But the issues you mentioned... those were the reasons I thought I owed you an apology in the first place. ...We can go through the ones you didn't get to now, if you want," he offers.
She watches him for several long moments, considering. She has no interest whatsoever in trusting this man with either her 'redemption' - whatever the fuck that means - or with a concept she already regards with wary suspicion at best, but it doesn't necessarily means she won't talk to them. Means they can't be friends, even, if she decides she wants any kind of friends at all - which right now she really doesn't.
So she just nods, willing to drop it where it is for the time being, and turns her attention back to their surroundings.
"Let's just... leave it where it is for now. Do you do work in here?" she asks instead.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I don't mean like what was the actual force that moved you or whatever. What was the process?
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Make a decision?
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CW: blood, death, cannibalism
I died.
I died. I felt bullets hit my body, I felt the blood and the strength leaves me, I heard my friend yelling my name and the fight going on around me as the rest of our people fought an outnumbered and outgunned battle for their lives.
I woke up here, with no warning, no offer, no information, surrounded by strangers, in a building with no windows. The last time that happened to me, I was starved and isolated for a week, by people who were absolutely, quite literally going to eat me, and that was just the first time it happened.
When you talked to me, I had about a day under my belt. Do you think a day away from all that shit is enough to be in a good frame of mind for that bullshit?
Re: CW: blood, death, cannibalism
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Pretty sure a place like this has a lot of people with a lot of trauma. With only two therapists around, maybe if you don't know someone, trying to get them in on your personal problem with someone else isn't the way to start off.
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[He hangs up.]
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Nice apology. Glad you got that off your chest.
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ope sorry - text
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text
I just told youIs it going to make a difference somewhere you can't hang up on me?
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Whatever.]
Greenhouse. Whenever.
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__________
He’s waiting outside the greenhouse door when she arrives.
“Hi. Thank you for coming.”
~~~> Action ]
She doesn't smile. There are no marks on her face that indicate this is anything unusual for her, but she nods anyway.
"If you're actually trying, can't fault that," she says instead.
Re: ~~~> Action ]
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She shakes her head instead. "Not officially."
She has definitely scoped it, but that's different.
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He gestures to one side. “Ornamental gardens are that way and food production is that way. Which would you like to see first?”
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"And no, I'm not that stupid. I'm sure there are people you get along just fine with that you keep talking with, and can even disagree with without bailing. But that's not really trying." She glances at him, then around the area as she steps through.
She heads, immediately, for food production.
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"Alright, let me be clear on this," she says, turning to face him, meeting his eyes head on.
"An apology - a real one, meant to acknowledge a mistake and repair damage - is on the terms of the person being apologized to. Right? Otherwise it's just smoothing over your own feelings, whatever they are." It seems to her to be a fairly universal truth so she doesn't actually wait for agreement or not before continuing.
"You said you were sorry and said it was partially miscommunication. Then I tried to tell you why I was upset in the first place, to fix the miscommunication, and you hung up on me. We hadn't even gotten to accepting or rejecting. Now, I'm still deciding if you're actually trying and just not sure what to do with me in general, or if you were just smoothing over your own feelings, so here we are."
She folds her arms, drums her fingers once on her own biceps, and says, "Is that clear enough?"
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So she just nods, willing to drop it where it is for the time being, and turns her attention back to their surroundings.
"Let's just... leave it where it is for now. Do you do work in here?" she asks instead.
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